I've been confronted yet again with a person from my past who I always felt insecure around, and the way I was and still am precieved by this person is arrogant. or have a "im better than you attitude". I remember at some point in my teenage years thinking I wanted to be one of the "cool" kids, unfortunetly the bi-product of being a cool kid was that they often made others around them who were not cool feel insecure, and often the opposite of cool, a loser. Somewhere not to long after that I think I made the transition to cool kid, and developed a superior attitude, or at least how all cool kids are precieved by those who aren't. I think I thought it was possible to be cool and yet not be exclusive, apparently that is either not possible, or Im no good at it. Of course there are plenty of other factors that play into my pride and insecurity.
Firstly I was home schooled my entire life and really didn't have to deal with life and peer pressure and conformity as much as my peers. I did however fell insecure about being different and so I didnt like associating with other homeschoolers, already begining to long to be the cool kid, hangin with the cool kids. Next came church culture. I was raised in an enviornment that lent itself to a holyer than thou attitude. We had the baptism of the Spirit and manifestations of it, healing the gift of other tongues, and charisma, other non "Spirit filled" churches were oftem refered to as dead, lifeless. So I developed an attitude of supiority within the church and without. I became cool within and without. lastly there is not much Im not good at, this is not bragging, or maybe it is, but you can ask anyone who knows me, and they can vouch for me. Perhaps driven by insecurity I pursued being the best, and if you didnt agree that i was, you were wrong. Honestly i may not have told you so, but I know now that it was felt, perceived.
So given my conditioning, my insecurities and my pride, and the way I've made people feel whether intentional or a bi-product of who Ive become as a person, how do I change, or should I even pursue that at all. Some may say you are who you are, others that you stop treating people that way, some still may not perceive this in me at all.
If you excell at something, does that not make others insecure, or touch their own insecurity at least, regardless of how you treat them specifically? I guess my real question is this, how does a person not make another person feel less than them even though they have something the other person doesnt have? If I can climb a mountain and you want to climb that mountain but are just starting out as a climber, am I not better than you at climbing and have something to offer you, and if I offer my services, my expertise, is that haughty? Yet its perceieved as arrogance, its viewed as self righteousness, and my offer is tossed back in my face. If Im good at something and know it, am I prideful?
I do not know, I dont like know it alls, and yet I think Im perceived as one often enough, and even when I hold my tongue, my silence alone betrays my thoughts. I love to teach a person something that might help them with a challenge they face, I love to encourage people in life and living, and yet often times lately I feel my efforts to this end do more to thwart my desires than achieve them.
So here I am with my insecurities, my pride and my heart. For now, this is how I percieve things and who I am, sometimes I like me and other times I dont. Sometimes I think I know something, other times I dont.
